Friday, May 30, 2008

An Open Letter to JT

It seems like things haven’t been going too well for you lately. Not only does “4 Minutes” suck – and I mean like, really, really suck. What the hell were you thinking? All I can picture when I hear this song is Madonna methed out of her gourd, screaming for a chai latte, while you have sex with Lindsay Lohan on a mixing console and Timbaland picks a discarded beat at random from his hard drive, holds a microphone in the air and chops up the various screams inundating the recording studio into something resembling vocals, then booking it as fast as he can back to the beach. I mean what the fuck?

And not only that, but Lance doesn’t seem too pleased with you. And, based on his tell all, I can only imagine what Chris, JC, and Joey (well maybe not Joey, he’s probably too concerned with his “career” to burn any bridges) have to say. But I know, I know. Big deal, Lance Bass isn’t in your corner anymore whatever will you do. Well, let me remind you of a few things, dude.

First, remember the Jacksons? I’m not talking about the Jackson Five here. I’m talking about the Jacksons. Even after they left Motown Jackie, Michael, Tito, Randy and Marlon kept having hits. Hits you probably forgot about and I probably haven’t ever even heard – but that doesn’t matter. Wikipedia says “Dancing Machine” and “Shake Your Body” were top ten hits and who am I to argue. I’m sure them shits made tons of cash. Tons of cash man. And the tours? They kept touring into the 80s. You know how much money a tour makes? I’m sure you do, you’ve done tours. Big tours. Imagine those tours but bigger. Like, really big tours and money.

Obviously Michael had outgrown that shit, he knew he was destined to be a bigger star than the rest of his family. You knew that, too, at least by the time No Strings Attached came out, and understandably you wanted to do your own thing. And you have boy have you. Sure, who wouldn’t rather listen to the stuff you’ve done with Timbaland more than the stuff you did with fucking Max Martin, or, shit, Richard Marx? I had no idea. But still. There’s cash to be had, and there’s egos to be stroked. Other than yours.

Second, remember New Kids on the Block? “The 1st Boy Band”? Disputable sure, and their songs were never as good as yours no matter how you cut it, but they were big then and guess what, they have the number 57 single on the charts this week. That could be you in 2014. Think on it. The Backstreet Boys did it, too. These are guys who know how to run the business. You don’t burn your bridges, cause then it’s that much harder to grab that cash later on when Timbaland’s washed up, everyone’s listening to reggaetron and the people need a nostalgia fix. Maybe you don’t realize it now, but you’re gonna need Lance in your camp if you wanna be eating caviar into your golden years.

But, really, besides all of that, how awesome would a new N*Sync album be. With good songwriting and production, get Timbaland, get Palow, get fucking Richard X, you’d be better off with JC and the crew around. Real talk. It could be awesome. No Pearlman to fuck with your business, just 4 straight guys and 1 gay guy getting into a room and recording some sick tracks. You know it’s true. This is the album we’ve been waiting for since “Gone”. In a weird way, everyone only gets one boy band. I never got the Beatles, I never got BSB. I need N*Sync. How’m I spose to breathe with no ai-er?

Come home JT. We need you now as much as ever.

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